Alright. Jimmy's surgery is tomorrow. Very nervous and excited for him....but this post is going to be about me. Yep, I'm selfish...but I'm making this one ALLLL about me.
So I catch ride. I've catch ridden since I was 9 years old. People always asking me to ride their horses, for a while I was asked to show other horses...lately it's been mostly hack and jump their horses or ponies. This is extremely flattering. Like, overwhelmingly flattering. It kind of drills that thing my mom has always said to me into my head, "You have a gift". I'm sure that I do. I have loved riding ever since I was little, it's always been my favorite thing to do in the world..
..However, along came Bill. Bill is my boyfriend, (husband, someday) and he kind of turned my world upside down, in the best way. Now I love every minute I spend with him, and riding it just kind of something for me to do when I'm not around him or working... but even since Jimmy is sick and I can't ride him, and know I won't be able to ride him for a few more months....something just feels off when I ride. I've been riding a friend's ponies once or twice a week, and I've even been jumping... but it just doesn't feel right.
Have I lost my edge? Did I lose that driving force, that burning fire inside me that just made me want to ride every horse and pony I saw? Even when the horses I'm on are being little shits, I don't even care enough anymore to fix them. I'm just kind of...oatmeal about riding. I miss MY horse. I miss jumping MY horse. I want to go on long, sunny, beautiful trial rides on MY horse. Is that selfish? I just feel like maybe my days catch riding are numbered. Maybe I'm burnt out...
I feel guilty not using my "gift"...but what if my heart just isn't in horses anymore? What if it's only in Jimmy? And only in Bill? What if?
2 comments:
Hey, I totally understand what you are saying! You know as well as I do that I absolutely loved riding and I miss it a lot. I miss Josie a lot, I'm glad I'm home so that hopefully I can start riding her again. When we were younger riding was everything, it was our lives. It basically ran through our blood.
But it just changes... When it's not what you live for anymore, when there is something else or I should say someone that matters more to you than anything else in the world, other things in life just don't have as much importance. Everything changes and in many ways in changes in wonderful beautiful ways. But unfortunately everything has a price.
Do not feel bad about not having as much passion anymore, we're getting older. Interests change, things shift in importance. Imagine when you have kids, everything is going shift again. You love your horse, you love your man. There is nothing wrong with loving your man more than anything else.
(Remember I'm here if you ever want to talk! :) I know how it feels!! It's a weird feeling to be head over heels.. but its wonderful)
Thanks Heid. Love you :)
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